Getting Off the Emotional Rollercoaster

Last week my clients and I talked a lot about why my clients were experiencing being on an emotional rollercoaster.

I helped them see that this rollercoaster of emotions is tied to the manuals they have for their relationships and the people in them.

We have these unwritten rules that we’ve decided on in our minds of how the people in our lives should behave for us to feel better and be happy. 

We give the behavior of others so much leverage over our emotions.

It’s like handing them over the remote control of our emotional experience. 

And in so many cases we hand it over to those we’d least like to have that power over us.

Here’s the thing though. 

We can’t really hand over a remote control.

We are the only ones that can engineer our emotions.

We just blame it on others because of our operating manual of rules we expect others to follow.

We believe these things are just common sense and that everyone truly knows how to be a good mom, wife, daughter, employee, driver... 

We believe we don’t even need to tell people because it’s just a given.

“It’s so frustrating when people drive slowly in the fast lane.”

“It’s so disappointing when my husband doesn’t take out the trash before work. He must not care about me.”

We set ourselves up for disappointment.

And we reinforce the idea that others make us feel frustrated, annoyed, hurt, angry…

What we are really doing is writing a rule and if unfollowed by others, we decide what that means, and then we feel the corresponding emotion that aligns with what we made it mean. 

We still hold the control.

You are 100% responsible for your thoughts (what you make things mean) and your feelings.

What we make the behavior of others mean is what creates our emotion.

And in most cases we believe what we make it mean is just TRUE.

And so many times we choose the most painful stories to believe.

But really, they are optional.

Take some time this week to journal about a relationship you believe is creating a lot of pain or negative emotion for you.

What rules of behavior or expectations do you have? 

What are you making it mean when others don’t comply?

How do you feel when you believe what you make that mean?

What other possibilities or “meanings” can you come up with for this same situation?

What different emotion do you feel from the different possible “meaning”? 

When we think others create our feelings we become disempowered in our lives  and then find ourselves trying to control others to feel better.

Feeling better comes from doing our inner work. 

My job as a coach is to help you see what is disempowering you and to help you develop and practice the skills of getting off the emotional rollercoaster.

My job is to help you see the power and agency you have within you to be more intentional in your life.

I’m in your corner.